[TEXT]

[serialmurderbot]

NICE SUGGESTIONS TO NOT FUCKING DIE

[Thanks for the name suggestion Arcade; SecUnit clearly didn't take to heart any of the other parts about not being able to tell people what to do.]

1. Never leave the Convoy [Convoy defined as the main trailers plus the radius of the shield and additional vehicles, approximately 80 meters] alone. Survey and scavenging groups should consist of at least 2 members.

2. When leaving the Convoy always inform someone outside of your party of your intended itinerary and duration of travel.

3. Perform regular check-ins during the excursion [ideally every 15 minutes] via the radio.

4. Bring a method of defense that you have training and certification in. This should be used as a LAST RESORT, if unable to avoid aggressive wildlife. Call for backup before engaging.

5. In an emergency situation safety of survey personnel is priority one. Abandon all equipment if necessary. Yes, even if that means the aggressive fauna will destroy it. Or eat it.

6. Never operate a vehicle or weapon while any of the following: Intoxicated, sleep-deprived, distracted, experiencing physical illnesses such as migraines, gastrointestinal symptoms, blood loss, etc.

7. Do not consume or touch unfamiliar plants or other food items without first confirming their safety for human ingestion. Licking counts as consuming.

8. Don't startle your SecUnit.

Comments

[serialmurderbot]

[SecUnit is sure going to assume the second!]

If you have completed a registered program in any of the following; Combat, Wilderness survival, Surveying, Firearms handling, Emergency response, Disaster first response, Defensive strategy, Wildlife management or equivalent trainings, you may be considered certified.

[faceguy]

[Leo doesn’t even have a birth certificate, much less any of that.]

I did todd scout training

[serialmurderbot]

What the fuck is todd scout training

[faceguy]

we learned wilderness stuff from a guy named todd

like how you should pitch your tent near water and how to start a fire
that kind of stuff

[serialmurderbot]

That's fine I guess. For not dying to environmental hazards.

[faceguy]

thx for your approval

but I also know how to fight so ill be fine

[serialmurderbot]

Let me guess. Todd.

[faceguy]

no

my dad

[serialmurderbot]

[It should see the way it's about to stick its metaphorical foot in its metaphorical mouth coming. It doesn't.]

And does your dad have a cert in combat?

[faceguy]

uh I dunno?
he never really told me much about his life before
but he spent like a decade as the champion of the battle nexus

[serialmurderbot]

What the fuck is the battle nexus

[faceguy]

whats it sound like??
you do fights there while people watch and make bets and stuff
like
uh

gladiators

[serialmurderbot]

[It takes 1.2 seconds for SecUnit to work through how much it hates that idea.]

Fights to the death?

[faceguy]

[Leo realizes he’s never really considered if any of the fights are to the death. The ones he saw didn’t seem to end that way, but he only saw two and one was against a kraken.]

I dont know

I think he was fighting monsters most of the time

even if he was here im not sure how I would ask

[“Hey Dad, did you have to kill people after your girlfriend kidnapped you underground?” No way.]

[serialmurderbot]

I guess that's fractionally less shitty.

[faceguy]

the point is
he knew how to fight
and taught me

[serialmurderbot]

What fighting have you actually done, then.

[This is not a genuine question - it's expecting... well. It's not expecting much, because it's an asshole.]

[faceguy]

oooo want my resume huh?
weeeell

im a battle nexus champion too!
and I had like
a whole bunch of bad guys who were fighting with me and my bros all the time
one time we beat them all up using fish and ladders!

and ive been fighting lots of monsters around here
you can ask around

[serialmurderbot]

[Yeah, it could ask Leo to elaborate on any number of those points. The one it chooses is:]

Fish.

[faceguy]

ever been hit by a swordfish?

[serialmurderbot]

Probably not. I don't know the designation of some of the fauna that have tried to eat me.

[faceguy]

me either! but apparently it hurts enough to send some bozo packing

[serialmurderbot]

So your battle plan is to hit the fauna with other fauna. Good work.

[Sarcastic asshole points unlocked.]

[faceguy]

your saying it like that to drag me
but yeah!
if your caught without a weapon you gotta work with what you have
improv is one of the most important things he taught me

if all you know how to do is shoot a gun or stab with a sword your worthless once its out of your hands right?

[serialmurderbot]

[Easy, just never be without the weapon when you are the weapon.]

That's why it's better not to get into a fight under those circumstances. See NICE SUGGESTION 4.