[TEXT]

[serialmurderbot]

NICE SUGGESTIONS TO NOT FUCKING DIE

[Thanks for the name suggestion Arcade; SecUnit clearly didn't take to heart any of the other parts about not being able to tell people what to do.]

1. Never leave the Convoy [Convoy defined as the main trailers plus the radius of the shield and additional vehicles, approximately 80 meters] alone. Survey and scavenging groups should consist of at least 2 members.

2. When leaving the Convoy always inform someone outside of your party of your intended itinerary and duration of travel.

3. Perform regular check-ins during the excursion [ideally every 15 minutes] via the radio.

4. Bring a method of defense that you have training and certification in. This should be used as a LAST RESORT, if unable to avoid aggressive wildlife. Call for backup before engaging.

5. In an emergency situation safety of survey personnel is priority one. Abandon all equipment if necessary. Yes, even if that means the aggressive fauna will destroy it. Or eat it.

6. Never operate a vehicle or weapon while any of the following: Intoxicated, sleep-deprived, distracted, experiencing physical illnesses such as migraines, gastrointestinal symptoms, blood loss, etc.

7. Do not consume or touch unfamiliar plants or other food items without first confirming their safety for human ingestion. Licking counts as consuming.

8. Don't startle your SecUnit.

Comments

[serialmurderbot]

I guess that's fractionally less shitty.

[faceguy]

the point is
he knew how to fight
and taught me

[serialmurderbot]

What fighting have you actually done, then.

[This is not a genuine question - it's expecting... well. It's not expecting much, because it's an asshole.]

[faceguy]

oooo want my resume huh?
weeeell

im a battle nexus champion too!
and I had like
a whole bunch of bad guys who were fighting with me and my bros all the time
one time we beat them all up using fish and ladders!

and ive been fighting lots of monsters around here
you can ask around

[serialmurderbot]

[Yeah, it could ask Leo to elaborate on any number of those points. The one it chooses is:]

Fish.

[faceguy]

ever been hit by a swordfish?

[serialmurderbot]

Probably not. I don't know the designation of some of the fauna that have tried to eat me.

[faceguy]

me either! but apparently it hurts enough to send some bozo packing

[serialmurderbot]

So your battle plan is to hit the fauna with other fauna. Good work.

[Sarcastic asshole points unlocked.]

[faceguy]

your saying it like that to drag me
but yeah!
if your caught without a weapon you gotta work with what you have
improv is one of the most important things he taught me

if all you know how to do is shoot a gun or stab with a sword your worthless once its out of your hands right?

[serialmurderbot]

[Easy, just never be without the weapon when you are the weapon.]

That's why it's better not to get into a fight under those circumstances. See NICE SUGGESTION 4.

[faceguy]

sometimes there’s no choice man
you gotta know that

[serialmurderbot]

That's why you call for backup.

[... It knows. Not everything can be controlled - but it's not going to admit that anywhere that humans might take it as an excuse not to take precautions.]

[faceguy]

well I didnt say not to do that

[serialmurderbot]

I look forward to hearing from you.

[SecUnit you asshole]

[faceguy]

why would I call you
I havent seen your certifications

[Two can play this game.]

[serialmurderbot]

[Joke's on Leo - SecUnit can and does upload the service records of all of its modules - medical support, hopper flying, combat, emergency response, projectile weapons...

Leo doesn't need to know they're all crap and it's learned more from its serials, the important part is that they a. look official and b. there's enough of them to make most people's eyes glaze over.]

Please confirm.

[faceguy]

[Okay, that definitely made his eyes glaze over. Mission accomplished.]

ugh fine
you have a lot of fancy pieces of paper or whatever